Saturday, April 23, 2011

It's so hard to say goodbye... typed on my blackberry, 4/23/2011 on the plane back to Haiti...

I'm on the plane back to Port au Prince.

I hate goodbyes. Anyone who knows me can attest to it. I've spent most of my summers camping with the same group of family, and always try to sneak out without doing the goodbye thing. When I was with Medishare, I'd always make myself scarce on Saturdays after orientation to get out of the "goodbye thing". It always felt like I was breaking up with a middle school boyfriend - not because we wanted to, but because his parents were moving cross-country. You both promise to write, but you don't know if you'll ever see each other again. Today wasn't quite that dramatic, but it brought me to tears to leave the states today, even though I love what I do and my life in Haiti.

A previous volunteer sent me an email a while back thanking me for all that I've done for the people of Haiti, and for all the great sacrifices I've made. At that point, I felt like the biggest sacrifices I'd made had been the six-figure income, sleeping in my lavish princess bed, and the ability to quickly pay off my student loans. But this trip was different - my first long trip back to the states since the quake, other than for surgery. This time, I got to "be domestic"; to cook in my large kitchen using fresh ginger from my garden, do craft projects, visit with friends and family for the first time in 6 months, and live in the same zip code as my significant other and dog for more than a week.

And I won't lie, as I was packing this morning I felt sad to leave all the normalcy behind. And for the first time in a long time, I longed for a normal life... Time with family and friends, a regular job, a routine, stability (political and otherwise)... I laid on the bed and started to cry. Terry gave me a big hug, and told me to hang in there - just be amazing. He knows as well as I do that I can't be satisfied with "normal"; I never have been.

Like I said, I love what I do here, and am excited for all we've got planned in the next few months. But I'm human - and have all the emotional trappings that come with being human. I think Lola and Kat would say it comes from my "monkey brain"...

So it's with mixed emotions that I return to Haiti...

~PJ